Challenging Behaviour at School: Before We Ask How to Stop It, We Need to Understand It

Boundaries and support can exist at the same time.

School refusal. Aggression. Meltdowns. Leaving the classroom. Shutting down.

When behaviour at school becomes challenging, particularly when there are concerns about safety, it's understandable that everyone's attention quickly turns to one question:

How do we stop the behaviour?

But I think there's an important question that needs to come first:

Why is this happening?

Behaviour gives us information about what a child is experiencing. But that doesn't mean all behaviour is acceptable. It doesn't mean schools shouldn't have boundaries. And it certainly doesn't mean teachers or other students should be expected to tolerate unsafe behaviour.

But if we want to change challenging behaviour at school, we need to understand what might be driving it.

Behaviour is communication but that doesn't mean anything goes

You've probably heard the phrase “behaviour is communication.”

I believe that. But I also think it's sometimes interpreted to mean that because a child is communicating something through their behaviour, adults shouldn't set boundaries around it.

That's not what it means to me.

I've worked in classrooms where boundaries have gradually disappeared because staff are trying to accommodate a child's needs. That isn't necessarily helpful either.

Children need to be safe.

Teachers need to be safe.

Other students need to be safe.

And the child displaying the behaviour needs appropriate support.

Boundaries and support can exist at the same time.

The question isn't whether we should respond when a child hits someone, runs from the classroom or behaves unsafely. Of course we should. The question is whether stopping that immediate behaviour is the only thing we're trying to do.

What might challenging behaviour at school be telling us?

When I work with parents whose children are experiencing significant difficulties at school, they're often already very aware of what might be underneath the behaviour. They know their child. They might know that mornings are difficult because their child is anxious. They may recognise that their child melts down after particularly demanding days. They might see a connection between behaviour and sensory overload, difficult academic work, transitions or relationships.

The disconnect can happen when the behaviour looks very different from the school's perspective.

A teacher sees a child refusing to complete their work. A parent sees a child who believes they're incapable of doing it.

A school sees a child refusing to enter the classroom. A parent sees anxiety escalating before they've even left home.

Neither perspective should automatically be dismissed. Instead, we need to bring the information together.

Parents and teachers often hold different pieces of the puzzle

This is why calm, collaborative communication between families and schools matters so much. Parents have information the school doesn't. Teachers have information parents don't. The goal isn't to decide whose interpretation of the behaviour is correct. It's to ask:

What are we each noticing, and what does that tell us about what this child might need?

A parent might explain what happens before school or the dysregulation they see when their child gets home. A teacher can explain what tends to happen immediately before an incident, which parts of the day are going well, or whether there are particular tasks, environments or transitions where difficulties increase. Put those observations together and patterns can start to emerge.

That's far more useful than simply labelling a child as disruptive, defiant or naughty.

What about rewards and consequences?

Rewards can absolutely work for some children. The important question is whether the system is appropriate and achievable for that child.

I recently worked with a family whose child could earn five stars across the school day, with a reward if they collected all five. The problem? By the afternoon, this child was regularly dysregulated. Getting all five stars was almost impossible. So the child repeatedly experienced a system in which they never “won”. And if they missed an earlier star, the end reward was already unavailable, removing much of the motivation to keep trying.

For a child already using enormous amounts of energy simply to manage the classroom environment, an unattainable reward system can become another demand they're failing to meet. That doesn't mean reward systems are inherently bad. It means support needs to be designed around the child in front of us.

If your child's behaviour at school is escalating, start a conversation

Parents don't need to arrive at the school meeting with a behavioural analysis or the perfect solution. You know your child, and that knowledge matters. Share what you're seeing. Ask what the school is seeing. Look for patterns together.

You might ask:

• When does this behaviour tend to happen?

• Are there times when it doesn't happen? What's different then?

• What seems to happen before things escalate?

• What helps my child regulate or re-engage?

• What support is currently being provided?

• Is that support actually helping?

Most importantly, keep bringing the conversation back to the child underneath the behaviour.

Because when a child is struggling at school, we need to do more than ask:

“How do we stop this?”

We also need to ask:

“What is this telling us and what support does this child need?”

We can hold boundaries. We can have expectations. We can keep classrooms safe. AND we can remain curious about why a child is struggling. Those things aren't opposites. They're all part of supporting children well.

Not sure how to advocate for your child's support at school?

My FREE School Support Guide will help you understand how school support works, what questions you can ask and where to start when you're not sure what your child needs.

And if your child's situation has become more complex, particularly if you're dealing with escalating behaviour, school refusal, suspensions or support that doesn't seem to be working, you can also get in touch about 1:1 support.