Your Child Is More Than the Version of Them School Sees

Sometimes changing the environment shows us a completely different version of a child. And I think that's worth paying attention to.

One of the things I love most about the school holidays is watching my kids slowly decompress. The first few days can take some adjusting. But then the pace changes. The mornings are slower. There's no uniform to put on, no bell we're trying to beat, no pressure to get out the door at exactly the right time.

And gradually, I start to notice different things about them.

There's more time for the things they're interested in. More space for conversations that aren't squeezed between getting home from school, making dinner, homework, showers and bedtime. More freedom to decide what they want to do and when they want to do it.

They're still exactly the same children. But the environment around them has changed. And sometimes I think school holidays give us a really interesting opportunity to remember something: Our children are so much more than the version of them that school sees.

School sees our children in a very particular environment

Think about what we're actually asking children to navigate during an ordinary school day. There are timetables, bells, transitions, classroom noise, academic expectations, social expectations, group work, playground dynamics, instructions, waiting. sitting, moving, listening, concentrating. changing activities when someone else decides it's time to change, and so much more.

There are lots of things children don't have much control over. For many children, that's manageable. For others, particularly children with disability, neurodivergence or additional needs, navigating those demands can take an enormous amount of energy. So when we talk about how a child is functioning at school, I think we need to remember that we're seeing their skills and behaviour within that particular environment.

And environment matters.

Sometimes parents and teachers see very different children

I've had many conversations where a parent's description of their child sounds quite different from the child's presentation at school.

Sometimes it's the school saying, “We don't see any of that here.” Sometimes it's the opposite.

A school might describe a child who is struggling significantly with learning, behaviour or regulation, while their parent sees a completely different child when they're engaged in something they love at home.

It can create tension because both sides can feel as though the other isn't seeing the full picture. But what if both are right?

A child can be quiet and compliant at school and completely dysregulated when they get home.

A child can struggle to write three sentences in a classroom and then spend an hour talking in extraordinary detail about something they're interested in.

A child can find playground interactions incredibly difficult and then communicate beautifully with one trusted friend.

A child can appear disengaged during a classroom activity and show intense curiosity and concentration when they're able to explore something that matters to them.

Those aren't necessarily contradictions. They're information.

What changes when the environment changes?

This is something I think is worth noticing during the school holidays.

Not analysing or documenting or turning this task into another job. Just noticing.

What does your child gravitate towards when nobody is telling them what they need to learn?

What captures their attention?

When do you hear the most language from them?

When do they seem most relaxed?

What makes them laugh?

What are they surprisingly good at?

What happens to their regulation when the demands of school disappear for a while?

You might not notice any dramatic difference at all. But you might. And if you do, I don't think the conclusion automatically needs to be that the school is the problem. School places demands on children because that's part of what school does. Children also need opportunities to develop skills, experience challenge, participate in groups and learn to navigate things that don't always come easily. But if a child's capacity changes significantly when their environment changes, that's useful information.

We need to be careful about the stories we tell about children

This is particularly important when a child has been having a difficult time at school. When the conversations become dominated by incidents, behaviour, incomplete work, missed learning or things a child can't do, it can become very easy for those things to become the story of the child.

He's disruptive.

She doesn't cope with change.

He refuses work.

She struggles socially.

Those observations might describe something that's genuinely happening. But they don't describe the whole child. And I think that's an important distinction.

The child who refuses writing is also the child who can explain every detail of their favourite game.

The child who struggles socially might be incredibly thoughtful with people they trust.

The child who can't sit through a lesson might spend hours focused on building something at home.

The question isn't simply “Why won't they do that at school?”

Perhaps we can also ask:

“What is different here that allows me to see this side of them?”

That feels like a much more interesting place to start.

Let them be more than school for a while

There will be time to think about Term 4. There will be learning plans to review, meetings to organise, adjustments to discuss and emails to send. But during these holidays, perhaps we can also spend some time seeing our children outside all of that.

Not as a student who needs support. Not as a diagnosis. Not as a collection of strengths and needs written into a report. Not as the child who had a difficult Term 3.

Just as them.

Because school gives us important information about our children but it never gives us the whole story. And sometimes, when the demands of school disappear for a couple of weeks, we get to see parts of that story that deserve just as much attention.

When you're ready to think about school again

When the time comes to turn what you know about your child into practical school support, my EmpowerEd Resource Library includes guides to help you navigate adjustments, learning plans and communication with your child's school.

But there's no rush.

For now, enjoy getting to see the holiday version of your child.